I have a confession.
I am a big fat worrier.
I try not to be, I ask for forgiveness when I let my mind over take my feelings, and I try to find ways to "get my mind off things." But I still fall back into that same sin over and over again, worrying.
This past week, my mind and my heart have both worried. I have been worrying over something that I absolutely have no control over, whatsoever. I have cried, pleaded with God, and have done my own internet research about my current concern. So I have decided to ask those who know The Redmans, those who read this blog, and those who just pass us at the grocery store, for a very special prayer request.
But first, let me explain the history of my side of the family. My two sisters, my dad, and I all have a very rare heart condition called "Long QT Syndrome." We became aware of it almost four years ago. It was considered an "accidental finding." My sister had gone to the doctor for a completely different reason, and was referred to see a cardiologist, who then told her the name of her condition. We all found out that it was a genetic condition and we were all to be tested.
We all had it (except for my momma).
For those who may not be familiar with Long QT, which is probably most of you, it is a disorder within the heart's electrical system. It can cause sudden, uncontrollable, and very dangerous arrhythmias. There are several different "types" of Long QT, and we have Long QT Type 2. Type 2 is induced by extreme stress and emotions, and surprise, or being "startled." It's nickname is "The sudden death syndrome." How pleasant, right?
My history with the Long QT has been an eventful one. I had my first episode, or sudden cardiac arrest, when I was in eighth grade. We had no idea what it was at the time, so we always referred to that instance as a "seizure."Then, almost two years ago, I had another episode. My husband was a witness, and still wont talk about it. I went into cardiac arrest when my alarm on my cellphone went off. It startled me. After that incident, my doctor decided that it was the right time to have a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted. So eight weeks after having my second baby, I went to have this "simple surgery." But it was anything but simple. They had to do the surgery twice, and during the second surgery, my lung collapsed. Talk about going through a trial.
(Thats my sweet middle child, oh if I could go back to him being little again)
During labor with my third baby, my blood pressure bottomed out and I was very close to another episode, but fortunately, I had an excellent nurse and a phenomenal anesthesiologist that caught it just in time. Then, when my baby was 6 months old, just two months ago, I had another "episode" resulting in my defibrillator reacting. Let me just say that it definitely works.
Anyway, I tell you all of that to show you the reality and reasoning of my worrying. Just today, I took my three sweet babies to the doctor to have their blood drawn and for it to be sent off to be genetically tested for Long QT. They all have a 50/50 chance of having it or not. We will not find out for another six weeks. So thats six more weeks of constant prayer, and of course, probably worrying.
My urgent prayer request is that you pray for God's Will and peace for my heart (emotionally speaking). Of course, I also want you to pray for my children to all be negative and we live life happy and free until the end of time. I think it would be an awesome medical miracle for none of them to have the mutated gene, and what a testimony it would be.
But realistically speaking, I know that I will probably have at least one child with Long QT, which will be completely and utterly fine. I will accept it, deal with it, and move on. I just want God's Will for their lives.
Because God is great, and amazing, and just wonderful to me, He spoke to me through music this morning. Don't you just love it when He shows Himself to you during an unexpected time? This morning, it just hit me all at once: the reality of this genetic mutation, the reality of my babies having it, the reality of ME having it, and the reality of my whole family having it. I cried the whole time getting ready, and I cried the whole way to the cardiac center. I prayed for peace, I prayed for understanding, and I prayed for a miracle outcome.
When I pulled into the parking lot, I had a wave of unexplained peace. I met my mom, we took the babies in for the blood draw, and we had a great time. Really. The whole process was easy. We even went to a thrift shop afterward. It was a great morning.
(I scored these two treasures!)
Then, on my way home, I was filled with worry again about the outcome of the genetic test. I began to cry. Hormones, maybe? As I was wiping my tears, a song came on the radio that we usually sing on Sunday mornings during worship. I have heard this song a million times, but it never really spoke to me like it did today. Its amazing how that works.
Have you ever heard "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe?
The first verse and chorus sing "When I walk through deep waters, I know that You will be with me. When I'm standing in the fire, I will not be overcome. Through the valley of the shadow, oh I will not fear. I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, You will never leave me."
When I sang those words, in my minivan with my three kids in the back seat, I began to weep. I feel as if these next six weeks of waiting for the results are my "deep waters." And I do know that He is with me. But if these results come back that they all have it, then this will be me "standing in the fire" and I will not be overcome. Because I am not alone. I am His. And He is mine. He will go before me, and He will never leave. And because He used that particular familiar song, I was able to find peace once again.
We serve a mighty God who can work miracles. So from one momma's heart to another, please keep my babies in mind as you go about your day today.
"Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say 'It is well with my soul.'"